The Gift--my life is changed (sorry so long)

I just realized I hadn't written about this yet. I went to a women's retreat a couple of weeks ago and it was life changing for me.

First of all, up until the night before I had peace about going to this retreat. The night before I started freaking out and I didn't want to go. It was almost like a panic attack. I wasn't going to know anyone except the woman who invited me. She had paid for me to go so I couldn't even back out of it! The morning of the retreat I told my husband to keep his cell phone by him at all times so I could call him to come and pick me up if I needed him too (the retreat was an hour and a half away).

It started with a dinner and everyone was greeting each other and they all knew and loved each other and I felt very alone and I wanted OUT OF THERE! I tried to call my husband and he didn't answer the phone (I found out later that he was putting the boys to bed--of all the times to be a responsible parent! LOL). I started praying to God to help me and if I had to be there He could at least give me a word for someone.

Let me backtrack here....I had gone to a prophetic conference at my church and it was about hearing from God and speaking the words of encouragement to people that He gives you. We practiced on each other and I never heard a word for anyone. On the way home from that conference my husband had a word for me. He said that I do have words for people that I know in one on one settings, but when it came to strangers or less intimate settings it is like I feel unworthy to be a vessel for God. I have so many issues with self-worth/inadequacy, etc that I knew that he was right. My prayers have been after that "how do I feel worthy?" and "what does that look/feel like?"

Okay, back to that first night of the retreat. So, after dinner we went to the first session with the speaker. Then they put us into small groups (we had the same small group all weekend). When we were in our small groups and they were asking ice breaker questions and one of the last questions they asked were "why are you here?" When it was my turn to answer I just started crying (I don't cry in front of people) and I said, "I don't know. I don't want to be here. I don't know why I am crying. I must be PMS'd!"

They were very encouraging, but I still didn't want to be there. We went back into the main room and we finished up for the night. They had a table of books for sale at the back of the room and of course I couldn't resist checking that out. There was a woman who was running the table and we started talking. She has 8 kids and she had homeschooled them. They were all mostly adults and she said that 3 of them had gone to public high school for one year and out of her 8 those 3 were her prodigal children. She was so heartbroken.......well, God gave me a word for her! What he put on my heart for her was that those 3 children were coming back and that they would be stronger in her faith than all the others. She started crying and I just felt the Holy Spirit goosebumps all over. She thanked me and we became quick friends. THIS IS NOT EVEN THE LIFE CHANGING PART FOR ME!

I went to bed that night feeling like, "okay, that is why I was supposed to come. I will call Eric tomorrow and he can pick me up." The next morning I went to breakfast and the day began quickly. I didn't even have time to call Eric. After lunch, the speaker started the next session. Every session she had some props to go along with what she was speaking about. This one she started with a gift.

She said that the gift represents God's grace and then she handed it to me and said, "This is for you." I was very humbled. She continued speaking and I just had big tears running down my cheeks. I immediately felt like I couldn't accept this. I told God (not out loud), "I am not going to open this, please show me someone in this room to bless with this gift. I cannot take it." Then what does the speaker say?!?! "God gives us His grace as a gift and if she didn't accept this gift (pointing to me) then it would be like her not accepting God's grace." I felt like, "are you kidding me, okay God, well, I will keep it." Then after going through all of the emotions of that, all of a sudden I was feeling like the speaker was going to come and take the gift back. That is when I realized that I was afraid that God would take back whatever He gave me. It stemmed from a fear of rejection.

When I opened the gift later it was a canvas with roses on it and the scripture from Ecclesiastes "God makes all things beautiful in His time." It was the perfect verse for me and it answered so many questions I had been asking God. I went to the speaker later and I said, "Thank you,. I don't know why you picked me, but thank you. " She told me that she hadn't even been planning on giving a gift, but a few days earlier God had told her to go into the christian store and buy a gift. She had no idea what to buy and then when she saw that picture she knew it was supposed to be that. Then she didn't even know who she was supposed to give it to until the hour before she gave it to me. Then I told her the whole process I had just gone through. She gave an analogy of God's love pouring down on my and I was like a rock and it was just rolling off of me, and I told her that it was God's grace that I was like that with. I then envisioned myself becoming a sponge and soaking it all up.

During the earlier session she had spoken about Kay Arthur's testimony which I didn't know. Apparently, before Kay Arthur was a christian she was married and she was leaving her husband. He had told her that if she left he would kill himself and she said go ahead and he did. She lived with the guilt of that until she became a christian. When she became a christian she accepted God's grace and no longer felt the guilt. If Kay Arthur had continued to walk in guilt and condemnation then she would not have the ministry she has today and would not have reached the millions of people that she has reached for the Lord.

Our theme verse for the retreat was out of 2 Timothy and our speaker had encouraged us at some point during the weekend to read all of 2 Timothy. I did that on Sunday morning and out of the whole book God gave me 2 Timothy 2:1. It says: "Be strong in the grace in Christ Jesus" and in the Amplified version it says: "Be strong (strengthened inwardly) in the grace (spiritual blessing) that is [to be found only] in Christ Jesus"

I am now walking in that grace. I have not had any more feelings of unworthiness. It is amazing the transformation in my heart and my mind. When I came home, my husband said, "You look different." I said, "I know my eyes are all red and puffy from crying all weekend." and he said, "No, you have peace."

It has been a few weeks now and I am still walking in God's grace and it is amazing!