I remember

I grew up in a Christian girls home. I mentioned in a previous post that I am a motherless mother. My mother left when I was 3 months old. So this motherhood thing is all new to me.

I got a phone call from one of the girls I used to live with at the girls home. She has been married for 5 years and they just had their first baby. She sounded on the verge of tears. She said, "I went to the women's bible study this morning and all of the women were so put together. I feel like I must be lazy and I don't know what is wrong with me."

I remembered all of the same feelings I had had over the past few years and I tried to encourage her. She is a motherless mother as well, and I know the fear, pain and insecurities that come along with mothering when you are in that situation. This is what I have learned that I wish I could remind her of every day.

*Those mothers in the bible study probably just showered that same day. They miss showers and brushing their teeth just like you. It goes with the territory.

*We all feel the pressure to clean our house when the baby is sleeping, but you need to relax and enjoy the peace. The house will always be there. Learn to let things go. They are not important.

*You are taking care of that baby above and beyond what your mother did for you.

*You are a good mom.

Now I just need to remind myself of these things everyday. I think the hardest thing about being a motherless mother of a mother that chose to leave (instead of death) is holding your firstborn in your arms and loving them with all that you have and imagining walking away from them forever. I can't. I don't think my mother ever loved me because how could she have walked away. My mother got out of prison about a year ago and she knows how to get ahold of me and she hasn't. I don't know why, but I feel rejected all over again. I KNOW that it is probably better if she is not in my life, but it still hurts.

Wow...I was inspired to write this to be encouraging and instead I am dealing with my own issues.