Tonight we were watching an old Christmas program on TV. The name of it escapes me. There was a mouse family and the little boy mouse accidentally broke someone's clock. When he told his father he said that he was sorry. The father's response was, "It is not enough to be sorry, you need to correct what you have done."
I think this is something that has been lost in our modern culture. Even I, who has taught my children to apologize and forgive each other, have not taught them to make it up too their brother or friend. I know it is one thing to fix something or replace something if you broke it, but what about on an emotional level?
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Monday, December 8, 2008
It's not enough
at 8:45 PM
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9 comments:
I have always taken the apology one step further, and to this day Elliot and Emily embrace this with fun, love, and laughter.
When one child offended the the other, it was not enough to just say sorry. The offending child would then be called to serve the other child for up to one hour. In some cases it may have been for the entire day. The day or hour given up to the demands and needs of the other.
It was often very cute to see Elliot playing American Girl dolls with Emily. That is how she served him, or Emily sitting and building legos. As they got older it was the offending child being asked to do the chores of the other. It worked out really well and ALWAYS the result was love and laughter.
I have wrestled with this just recently. Noah did something naughty in school yesterday and I thought of something I had tried once or twice last year and decided to try it. I had him sit down at the table and write out a letter to the offended...including what he had done wrong, why he was sorry, and what he will do next time. He was actually more upset about doing this than he gets when he is "punished" but I think it made a bigger impact. I actually have started doing the same thing to him. If I act grumpy to him, I write a little note to him and leave it somewhere to find. he always comes to me and hugs me when he finds it.
I don't know if this is the kind of thing you're thinking about or not, but I think I am going to keep with it for awhile.
I wish I had some thoughts other than I agree that it's not enough. It's important to teach taking responsibility. I know my Mom always said "I don't want to hear you are sorry, show me you are sorry" I know I'd like to instill that in my children one day.
That's something I've thought about as well. A child can be made to say they're sorry, but it's just empty words if they don't mean it. Asking them what they can do to make it right again seems much more meaningful and purposeful to me. They can take an active role in deciding how they are going to go about setting things right - fixing something, sharing a toy, making a card or picture for the offended party, and so on and so forth depending on the situation and their ages.
But I only have a toddler, so this is all speculation and reading about the experience of other moms. :)
You are so right that in our culture "I'm sorry" is just accepted. Many times the question is "sorry for what?" the action or getting caught. Recently my friend's daughter disobeyed her mother and suffered a big consequence because of this action. Her mother told her that sometimes sorry isn't enough and cannot change the circumstances. "I'm sorry" should be made with action whenever possible.
You are so right that in our culture "I'm sorry" is just accepted. Many times the question is "sorry for what?" the action or getting caught. Recently my friend's daughter disobeyed her mother and suffered a big consequence because of this action. Her mother told her that sometimes sorry isn't enough and cannot change the circumstances. "I'm sorry" should be made with action whenever possible.
This really hit me...I am the same way. Somehow I teach my children that their words should be enough and yet I have not taught them to allow their words to be worth anything. I am definitely going to be rethinking how I handle things now!
I've enjoyed this post and the comments. One thing I've done lately (I read about it somewhere in the last couple of weeks--where escapes me at the moment) is when Isabelle says the typical "I'm sorry," I like to say "sorry means changing your behavior" or "sorry means behaving differently." It seems to upset her a little bit, as she tends to tell me "you don't always have to say that!," so I'm hoping those words are having an impact on her.
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